If you thought I sounded like a broken record before, wait ‘til we get through all of this COVID stuff! I imagine I’ll be repeating myself for the foreseeable future, but who knows. Why not write about it all as it’s playing out? (I convinced my eldest to do the same, partially for the academic component but also partially, or really more, for her to process everything). Serious question though — in the absence of all the usual obligations (physically going to work [that is, if you’re not an “essential worker,” but if you are, a million thanks for all you do every day], or school, or practices, or the usual weekday or weekend commitments), how do you keep track of which day it is? Some days “feel” a certain way, sure, but they’re beginning to blend together some… 

We’ve had some stuff change around here pertaining to COVID-19, and since last week — or actually since Sunday morning, when I finally posted my last week’s ruminations — I have kept a laundry list of stuff I wanted to talk about. It makes for an incohesive essay, but the disorganization is probably an accurate depiction of the emotional whiplash I feel like I’m navigating every day (anyone else)? More: 

No more (physical) school through the end of the school-year. This isn’t much of a surprise, since there had been rumblings about it for a few weeks now, but at Governor Newsom’s press conference today, he said that California schoolkids won’t be physically returning to class this school-year. He has stressed that school is most definitely in session, and to that end, he talked about how the State of CA is partnering with Google to bring 100k Chromebooks and hotspots to schools and communities to help bridge the digital divide throughout the state. The Google partnership makes my husband super proud for all the obvious reasons, but shit, I won’t lie: knowing that I’m *officially* more or less responsible for teaching my kids (and my eldest, in particular) for the foreseeable future is intimidating. 

On a near-daily basis, my feelings related to COVID in general and to schooling my two kids — the other who will begin kindergarten in the fall — oscillates between yeah it’s cool I got this I taught college kids before I can do elementary to f f f f f I don’t know what the f I’m doing they’re screwed they’re gonna be so behind (and down the spiral I go). I know I’m not alone in this trepidation and feelings of inadequacy, but I’m not feeling any strength in numbers here. We’re all flying blind, and it’s hard. It’s most definitely not an insult to my kids’ teachers — they’re wonderful and are doing the best they can — as much as it is an honest admission that none of us have been through something like this before. Rationally, I know that I don’t need to worry about my kids being “behind” come autumn because everyone else will be in the same boat, yet emotionally it’s still hard to navigate. I’m managing my own ever-changing feelings with reality against those of my children, while helping them to gain some perspective (nearly impossible for a four year-old, btw), and yeah, it’s just hard. We’re all in this together. I tell myself that repeatedly because eventually, I’ll listen to myself. 

(Quick aside just to say that from what I can tell, my eldest is enjoying “mom school” and seems to be perfectly content with how everything is rolling. The youngest is more mercurial, but she’s also four, so I think that’s more likely to be expected. This is all probably more a reflection of my [and all of our] feelings of uncertainty and unsettledness than anything. Control that which you can, right? I can’t do anything about keeping my medical siblings or parents or strangers or anyone else safe [aside from the aforementioned social distancing, staying at home, and the like] but I can kinda sorta control my kids’ education, so… ). 

Santa Clara County has tightened and lengthened shelter-in-place orders. In the past week, both SCC and Gov. Newsom have formally announced that SIP orders have been extended, and they tightened the already-existing SIP orders to basically forbid anyone from going out in public for essential activities with people with whom they don’t reside. In other words, yes, go outside to exercise and get fresh air, but don’t do it with people with whom you don’t reside at all. My guess is that too many people were not following the six-foot social distancing rules. For me personally, it means that Janet and I can’t run together any longer, regardless if we maintain a six-foot radius, but I completely get it. It’s not the end of the world (obviously). I really hope people abide by it and that the city and county aren’t forced to continue closing parks because people are being idiots.

What’s the other side going to look like? There is an untold amount of tragedy and suffering that will result from this pandemic, and as many experts are attesting now and will surely later attest, our actions early on could have helped mitigate this pandemic differently. That’s not what I’m talking about here, though. As a result of the SIP orders across our country, I’m intrigued to see how people’s habits change and more than that, if said habits stick. The first two areas that come to mind are diet and exercise. For so long, our society has been known for having sub-par diets (lots of fast food, not enough cooking at home, you know the rest) and for not moving our bodies enough or at all. What a strange experiment we find ourselves in now, though, in that many of us are at home more now than ever before — thus begetting more opportunities to prepare our own food — and one of the only times we’re allowed to leave is to exercise. What’s our health going to look like in six months-year from now? Are we on the verge of having a running boom? Is a baby boom imminent? There are obviously a TON of elements at play here, and much of this is rooted in the various positions of privilege we hold, yet I find it a fascinating thought experiment. Anyone else?  

On occupying time and settling mental unrest: We can’t be doing all work and no play all the time right now, right? What have you been reading/watching/listening to? Here are some that come to mind for us: 

• Watching: Onward was excellent (didn’t cry, surprisingly, and I love that G is a main character in the film! Different spelling but whatev). Oh, and did you catch that I Heart Radio YouTube special the other night? I specifically told my family we should watch so we could see Billie Joe Armstrong sing, and it was hard not to laugh at all the other artists casually singing over Zoom (or whatever) with their bandmates as they were all sitting in their mega-opulent mansions, private pools, and the like (eyeroll). Hearing and seeing the Backstreet Boys took me straight back to high school! 
• Reading: I’m on my last library book (that I’m putting off starting), and I don’t enjoy reading e-books, so I thought it was a good time to start the Douglas Adams Hitchhiker’s Guide collection. A little reprieve and silliness can go a long way right now. It’s been on our shelf for a long time now, so it seems as good a time as any to start. I typically exclusively read non-fiction, but I think I need a break at the moment.
• Cooking: Being at home more than usual has meant way more cooking. Recipes I can recall include the Run Fast Eat Slow fartlek chili with tempeh; the Thai coconut carrot soup, cowboy caviar, and roasted eggplant pasta dishes from Budget Bytes; and one pot mujadara, black bean tacos with spicy onions, and mushroom quesadillas from the NYT cooking app. Nothing particularly fancy, but I make it, and then it lasts for days. Win. (Of course, this is in addition to the chocolate chip pancakes, corn dogs, mac and cheese, and other glamorous meals I’ll make because kids). 
• Coloring (sure): My kids would color all day, so I found this intense coronavirus coloring page for them (intense because it’s so intricate!). As I found this, I went down some rabbithole and learned that apparently Etsy has forbidden vendors from making any sales on COVID or coronavirus-related stuff at all, even if it’s intended for educational purposes. Interesting…    
• Listening: Every Monday for the foreseeable future, Billie Joe Armstrong is releasing a cover on the Green Day YouTube channel, and they are amazing! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to/watching his video for “I Think We’re Alone Now.” It’s fantastic. 
• Running: At this point, running just for running’s sake is pretty dang awesome. No marathons on the calendar. No races at all at this point, actually. Happy to simply be building the base and getting strong (209.2 miles/10,180’ climbing for January; 257.8 miles/12,520’ for February; and 251.1 miles/12,428’ climbing for March). That’s a lot of running on this side of town.   

Milestone tomorrow! Nothing like turning the big 4-0 in the midst of a pandemic. While our original plans obviously aren’t happening — returning to SF to see the Book of Mormon for a second time — the girls and I have been scheming for a few weeks as we plan to give C a memorable day. HBD to my main squeeze on Thursday! Raincheck on the musical. 

Sending love. I imagine I’m not the only one who feels pretty helpless with all of this going on. Aside from washing my hands prolifically, not going out except for essential activities, and making sure the kiddos do the same, I feel like I have very little to contribute. Instead, I’ve been trying to channel that nervous energy into reaching out to my friends, family, and people in our community to see how everyone’s doing. Again, I’m not changing the world when I text or Duo with my parents or my medical siblings or anything like that, but as a fellow human being, I know that it simply *feels* nice to know that someone is looking out for you and thinking about you. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. Just out of the blue on Sunday, my cousin called me simply to check-in, and it was really nice. A simple gesture like that can go a long way. That’s my unsolicited advice this week: go call or videochat with someone. It may make that person’s day (and yours).  

stay safe, and be well. xo